Disclosure is an important part of the healing journey. However, it’s not easy. Many individuals will question their experience of childhood sexual abuse before taking any steps. Such as,
“Was I sexually abused?”
Individuals may ask themselves this question, especially if they don’t fully remember. This happens more than people think. The brain will often store away the memory of the abuse to protect itself however, the trauma can remain in our bodies. So while we may not remember, our bodies will remind us when we suddenly feel unsafe and are not sure why. The body remembers. For others, their memories are clear or can show up as flashbacks or nightmares. If an individual is questioning it, there is a possibility it happened. And then there’s the other question.
“Was it bad enough?”
Humans naturally compare themselves to others, however, everyone experiences trauma differently. Many factors can contribute to different experiences such as, the age when the abuse happened, the frequency, the duration, the relationship with the abuser, access to support, and so on. What matters is how it affects us individually. Trauma can show up in ways one may never imagine. An individual may believe they have their life together but still feel unwell, unable to find joy, yearn for peace, struggle with relationships, be dissatisfied with work, and feel like nothing gets better no matter what they do. This may be the effects of trauma. So here is the next question.
“Could the effects of trauma be that significant?”
Yes, they can. Trauma can affect every area of human functioning (physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, financial, environmental), you name it. It could affect an individual’s ability to take care of themselves, engage with others, have intimacy in relationships, school, work life, faith and values, confusion with sexuality, chronic illness, fertility issues, and more. It’s a complex issue. With all this being said,
“Why is it difficult to tell someone?”
Until an individual grapples with the meaning of the abuse, such as understanding what it is, why it happened, integrating it into their life story and figuring out how it may have affected them, they can be riddled with shame, fear of judgment and feelings of guilt and blame. An individual may also keep the abuse secret for other reasons, such as fear of the abuser, cultural or religious reasons, to avoid judgment, or being forced never to tell. A secret that often makes individuals feel less worthy of being loved, different from others, broken. Some individuals hold onto this secret for decades and others forever, never experiencing the feeling of freedom that can happen post-disclosure. And so there is the question,
“When is the right time?”
Sharing one’s story of childhood sexual abuse is personal. There is no right or perfect time. The right time is when an individual feels ready. But there are a few things that can help an individual get there, such as understanding the abuse was not their fault. It was the abuser’s fault regardless of how the individual sees their part in what happened. They were children. It is understanding more about who they are and why they are the way they are. It’s understanding the power of change and doing what brings meaning and purpose, being true to self, and becoming who they wish to be—supported by others and part of a community that has experienced it and understands. An opportunity to not feel alone anymore. A time for healing. A chance to be free. When thinking about disclosing, consider these questions, “How has life been while keeping this secret? Is disclosing to heal more important than what others think? Why heal?”
“So what now?”
If it feels like the right time to start healing, telling someone about the abuse can kick-start the healing process. Unfortunately, this can be the hardest part. When considering disclosure, finding a trauma-informed therapist you trust, feel comfortable with, and has the experience, is essential. The healing journey has its ups and downs. There will be highs and lows. There will be wins and losses. What is important, is to focus on the ‘Why.’ We cannot change what happened in the past, but we have the power to change our future. Tell to heal.
